Tech bros are on a wild mission to basically hack immortality, and they’re not playing around. From injecting mysterious Chinese peptides to obsessing over sperm quality, these startup hustlers are treating their bodies like experimental tech products.

The Biohacking Fever Dream

Imagine trading cocktails for vitamin-packed longevity drinks and replacing cigarettes with nicotine patches. Welcome to Silicon Valley’s latest obsession: turning the human body into a performance-optimized machine. Entrepreneurs like Max Marchione are diving deep into supplements, peptides, and bizarre health rituals that would make your doctor raise an eyebrow.

The Immortality Playbook

Bryan Johnson, the poster child of extreme biohacking, has become a cult hero for tech founders wanting to reverse aging. Spending $2 million annually on body optimization, Johnson has inspired a generation of founders to treat their bodies like a startup - constantly iterating and improving.

Sperm, Sleep, and Sassy Supplements

From tracking sperm motility to investing thousands in smart sleep technology, these tech bros are redefining what it means to be healthy. Nicotine pouches are the new coffee, peptide injections are casual Friday activities, and an Oura ring is basically a status symbol. Who needs a social life when you can have perfectly optimized bodily functions?