Silicon Valley’s young hustlers are rewriting the rulebook on productivity, and honey, it’s wilder than your wildest startup fantasy.

Imagine trading Google for chatbots, transforming acid trips into brainstorming sessions, and turning Hinge dates into corporate strategy, welcome to the tech bro’s universe of hyperoptimization.

AI: Your New Life Assistant

Forget personal assistants. These founders are delegating entire life decisions to AI. From ordering DoorDash automatically to finding gym day passes, ChatGPT is their digital overlord. One CEO even designed an AI agent that tracks his location and places lunch orders. Talk about outsourcing existence.

The Return of Hustle Culture

Remote work? More like remote dreams. Tech founders are back in the office, proudly sporting the “996” work schedule, 9 AM to 9 PM, six days a week. Some are so committed they’re sleeping on office mattress pads, because who needs work-life balance when you’re “solving problems of unprecedented magnitude”?

Unconventional Productivity Hacks

From dopamine fasting to strategic LSD trips in Berkeley Hills, these founders are treating personal development like a scientific experiment. One startup even encourages employees to go on Hinge dates, and expense them. Because apparently, networking and romance are just another productivity metric.

Welcome to the future, where AI is your therapist, work is your religion, and productivity is the ultimate flex.