In a not-so-secretive plot that even conspiracy theorists would find alarming, Elon Musk decided to throw the American government into a techie blender and hit ‘puree’. Picture this: while dignitaries clinked glasses and debated table etiquette at the Alfalfa Club banquet in Washington, DC, Musk was busy cooking up a scheme to commandeer government systems with a crew that could’ve been cast in a dystopian tech thriller.

On January 25, amid the politicking and preening, Musk and his band of tech-savvy marauders were preparing to crash the government’s all-important Office of Personnel Management. Yes, you read that right! This isn’t just your average tech bro attempting to change a few bytes in a server; this is Elon “I own the world” Musk we’re talking about. The goal? Reboot the U.S. government, allegedly to make it “more efficient” – or, let’s be real, to exert influence and dismantle any kind of safeguards.

Musk’s architecture of chaos, dubbed DOGE (not to be confused with the Shiba Inu meme), involved brilliant minds such as young engineers with libertarian leanings and shady pasts. Their task was to peel away the layers of bureaucracy as if it were a rotten onion. Musk’s philosophy? Go hard or go home. From slashing budgets to finding and utilizing personal data on citizens, it was nothing short of an e-disaster waiting to happen.

Sources from within the belly of this digital beast reveal that Musk’s operatives snagged access to everything from tax records to personal medical histories. This isn’t just a typical Silicon Valley startup looking for funding, this is a full-blown incursion into the privacy of millions, enabled by the whims of a billionaire with a penchant for chaos and memes.

As the clock ticked down toward Trump’s re-election campaign, Musk’s bond with the ex-president solidified, with ambitious plans to cut government spending by trillions, which would likely decimate essential services for the most vulnerable populations. With rhetoric that can only be described as dystopian, Musk pitched ideas about eviscerating social programs and grantees who provide basic aid.

In true American fashion, the mission statement was straightforward: hack, slash, and burn. But hold your applause, folks, because there’s a glitch in the data. Government experts warned that Musk’s “efficiency” strikes could backfire, leading to economic turmoil and job losses rivaling the crash of 2008.

Elon Musk may think he’s smart, spending weekends at Mar-a-Lago devising how to dismantle government systems so he can rule over it like a tech-guru monarch, but let’s be clear: this isn’t innovation. It’s a digital coup dressed up in the techie finery of efficiency moves, and we’re here for none of it. As they say, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably about to take over Twitter and the government. Who’s up for a protest at Tesla next weekend? Eventually, we all need to say, enough is enough!