Last week, Elon Musk decided to venture into the mind-numbing world of federal retirement services while standing next to former President Trump (yes, that Trump) in the Oval Office. Musk threw out the wild notion that to retire, federal workers must navigate a labyrinth of paper records 200 feet underground in an old limestone mine in rural Pennsylvania. His take? That this subterranean trek can take months. Apparently, the elevator that ferries retirees’ papers is operating at the speed of a semi-retired tortoise. Crazy, right?

In reality, Musk’s elevator drama is a bit of an exaggeration. The mine has multiple entry points and cozy roads for vehicles, hello golf carts! But let’s not get too distracted. Musk was onto something about the inefficiencies in the federal retirement process. The Office of Personnel Management (OPM) advises retirees that getting their applications processed can take an excruciating three to five months. And yes, while some paper shuffling does occur in a limestone mine about 50 miles north of Pittsburgh, it’s not as apocalyptic as Musk made it sound.

When the Boyers mine became the OPM’s retirement hub decades ago, it was a solid plan. The site provided a secure and remote space to protect sensitive records, perfect for a Cold War-era government. Fast forward to today, and you’d think they’d have souped up the system, but nope. A government report from six years ago revealed that OPM still relies on old-school paper-based applications and manual processing, meaning the average processing time for a retirement file has barely budged from nearly 60 days in 2019 compared to 98 days back in 1981. Talk about a bureaucratic sinkhole.

Now, before you start imagining ominous figures lugging boxes of documents through the darkness of a mine, it’s worth mentioning that a significant part of the work done at Boyers today is actually digital. David Carmicheal, former state archivist of Pennsylvania, calls the idea of paper-pushers trudging through dark corridors absurd. He pointed out that these facilities exist to protect our legal rights and public benefits, not just to house dusty old records.

Musk has charitably called out the inefficiencies, but without offering practical solutions. Instead, he continues running a show that often seems bent on defunding many government agencies, leaving us wondering if he has a master plan or just enjoys watching the chaos unfold.

So as we grapple with the retiree logjam and ponder Musk’s enthusiastic mischaracterization, maybe we should all take a moment to appreciate that, regardless of where the records are stashed, we deserve a system that works smoothly. Because if our retirement is pals with bureaucratic nightmares and limestone mines, then we’ve got a much bigger problem than just a slow elevator.