Bay Area foodies, prepare for a culinary invasion of epic wellness proportions.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop Kitchen has decided to grace us with its gluten-free, dairy-free, processed-sugar-free presence, bringing her infamous “clean eating” philosophy directly to our doorsteps.

From Ghost Kitchens to Your Dining Table

Starting this month, San Jose gets the first taste of Paltrow’s culinary vision, with delivery zones covering everything from downtown to Willow Glen. Because apparently, we’ve been desperately waiting for chef-crafted meals that sound more like a medical prescription than actual food.

The Goop Gastronomic Universe

The menu reads like a wellness influencer’s dream: Turkey Bolognese with gluten-free penne, Father Italian Chopped Salad, and a G-Potle Taco Crunch Bowl that sounds like it was named during a Silicon Valley brainstorming session. Bestsellers include a Teriyaki Bowl and a Chicken Caesar Wrap that probably costs more than your monthly parking in San Francisco.

Expanding the Wellness Empire

After San Jose, Goop Kitchen will bless Sunnyvale and San Francisco’s SoMa district with its presence. Delivery areas include Cupertino, Mountain View, and Santa Clara - because nothing says “tech hub” like overpriced, ultra-clean cuisine.

For those brave enough to venture into this wellness wonderland, orders can be placed at www.goopkitchen.com. Just be prepared to explain the menu to your confused, budget-conscious friends.