San Francisco’s beloved football team is experiencing a meltdown that would make Silicon Valley startups look stable.

The 2024 season was less a football campaign and more a tragic comedy of errors for the 49ers, who managed to transform from championship contenders to basement dwellers faster than you can say “tech bubble burst”.

The Purdy Problem

Brock Purdy, once the darling of the NFL’s bargain bin, is now living proof that lightning rarely strikes twice. His contract extension feels less like a vote of confidence and more like an expensive gamble, with performance stats that would make even a fantasy football rookie cringe.

Talent Exodus

This offseason saw the 49ers hemorrhaging talent like a startup losing its best engineers. Key players departed faster than techbros fleeing San Francisco’s rising housing costs, leaving behind a roster that looks more patchwork than promising.

The Shanahan Syndrome

Head coach Kyle Shanahan continues to be the mad scientist of football strategy, seemingly more interested in complex play designs than actual winning. His approach has transformed the team into a high-risk, low-reward experiment that’s burning venture capital faster than actual venture capitalists.

With a schedule that looks suspiciously easy and expectations perpetually high, the 49ers are poised to disappoint yet again - a true San Francisco tradition if there ever was one.