Imagine a world where the very blood coursing through your veins is a toxic cocktail of microscopic plastic particles. Welcome to 2025, where the rich and anxious are paying nearly $13,000 to “clean” their blood of these pesky microplastics.

The Bougie Blood Cleanse

Clarify Clinics, nestled in the heart of London’s wealthy medical district, is offering a treatment that sounds like it’s straight out of a sci-fi wellness fever dream. For the price of a luxury car down payment, they’ll filter your blood plasma, promising to remove microplastics, forever chemicals, and other environmental baddies that have made your circulatory system their personal playground.

The Scientific Uncertainty

Here’s the tea: scientists are still scratching their heads about what these microplastics actually do to our bodies. A 2022 World Health Organization report basically shrugged and said, “We don’t know if they’re safe, but we also don’t know if they’re killing you”. One researcher hilariously noted that “the dose makes the poison” - which sounds like something your hippie aunt would say after her third kombucha.

The Silicon Valley Wellness Trend

This blood-filtering trend is just the latest in a long line of expensive, unproven “health” treatments targeting wealthy individuals who are simultaneously terrified and fascinated by their own mortality. From stem cell injections in the Bahamas to tech bros obsessing over plasma exchanges, the wellness industrial complex continues to find new and creative ways to separate rich people from their money.

At the end of the day, we’re all swimming in a sea of microplastics. But if you’ve got $13,000 burning a hole in your designer pocket and want to feel like you’re doing something about it, Clarify Clinics is ready and waiting.