Hold onto your benefits, folks, because the tech world’s latest “brilliant” idea might just send the Social Security Administration (SSA) into a full-blown digital meltdown. 🚨

The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), led by what can only be described as Silicon Valley’s most chaotic team, is planning to completely overhaul the SSA’s ancient computer systems in checks notes just a few months. What could possibly go wrong? 🙃

The Tech Bro Takeover

Elon Musk’s team, apparently bored with rocket science and Twitter, has decided that modernizing decades-old government tech infrastructure is their next playground. Their grand plan? Migrate millions of lines of COBOL code, a programming language older than most millennials, into something more “contemporary” like Java.

The High-Stakes Gamble

This isn’t just another startup pivot. We’re talking about a system that manages benefits for over 65 million Americans. One wrong line of code could mean thousands of people suddenly finding their monthly checks vanished into the digital abyss.

Experts are basically screaming from the rooftops that this is a recipe for disaster. “This is an environment held together with bail wire and duct tape,” one SSA technologist dramatically warned. Translation: Don’t. Mess. With. The. Code.

The Silicon Valley “Move Fast and Break Things” Approach

To accomplish this coding miracle, DOGE is reportedly planning to use generative AI to translate millions of lines of legacy code. Because nothing says “reliable government infrastructure” like an AI that might hallucinate retirement benefits, right?

The most bonkers part? They’re doing this after Musk baselessly claimed the SSA was riddled with fraud, including a wild accusation about 150-year-olds collecting benefits. Spoiler alert: That’s not actually happening.

So buckle up, fellow millennials and Gen Z-ers. Your parents’ and grandparents’ social safety net is about to become a tech bro experiment. Pray for stability, expect chaos. 🤞