The stock market is moving at a snail’s pace, much like your friend who insists on taking a moment when you’re at a bar, leaving you stuck in the line that’s rapidly growing. That’s the vibe from Wall Street today, where stocks barely budged in the aftermath of President Trump’s latest decision to drop tariffs like hot potatoes on foreign steel and aluminum imports.

The S&P 500? Essentially stuck in the mud. The Dow Jones puttered up by just a meager 42 points, thanks for nothing, big guy, and the Nasdaq is trailing behind, slipping down 0.1%. Someone send a marching band because this clearly isn’t a ticker tape parade.

With the threat of a trade war lurking like an unwanted guest at a party, analysts and financial experts are playing the game of “who can predict the next disaster”. The tariffs announced by Trump could lead to price hikes for Americans, leaving consumers scratching their heads at the grocery store. Oh great, now we can add inflated prices to our list of 2025 worries.

In the wake of this tariff announcement, Ursula von der Leyen, the EU’s heavyweight, had her own two cents to drop, warning that Europe would respond to Trump’s economic antics with “firm and proportionate countermeasures”. Because why not escalate things further? Let’s throw a global economic tantrum.

Trump’s recent tariffs may be an overblown negotiation tactic rather than a genuine economic strategy, sending mixed signals to Wall Street. Such is the circus we find ourselves in that there’s a sliver of hope among traders that maybe, just maybe, this is all just a short-lived melodrama.

Meanwhile, Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell nonchalantly reported that there’s no rush to cut interest rates further, keeping the mood as chill as a San Francisco fog. He’s caught between wanting to keep the economy cool without sending it into a meltdown, and isn’t that just the classic “don’t break your toys” dilemma we all grapple with when entrusted with playing Monopoly as a child?

While the earnings reports from major U.S. companies have been boosting their bragging rights, they often fall flat against unrealistic expectations. For example, despite a better-than-expected quarter, Marriott International’s stocks plummeted 4.7% because investors are tougher than a parent at a job interview.

In contrast, DuPont’s stocks soared by 7.2% thanks to decent profits, which is reminiscent of the feeling you get when you ace a pop quiz, unexpected but undeniably satisfying. As if that’s not enough, even Coca-Cola saw a bump in its share price after reporting solid revenue. As they say, some folks will thrive no matter the economic storm brewing outside.

Overseas markets are equally mixed, yet the overall sentiment remains teetering on the edge. With China’s preemptive tariffs set against U.S. products, the simmering tension regarding trade is more palpable than your friend’s avocado toast on Instagram.

As the markets drift along, everyone can’t help but wonder: are we witnessing the birth pangs of a composed negotiation, or is this just the prelude to a comedy of errors in global trade?