Silicon Valley, get ready for a mind-blowing tale of tech hijinks that’ll make your startup drama look like child’s play.

Edward “Big Balls” Coristine, a 19-year-old tech wunderkind, just pulled off what most cybersecurity experts would call an impossible feat: gaining access to sensitive federal payroll systems faster than you can say “data breach”.

The DOGE Infiltration

Working with Elon Musk’s so-called Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), Coristine and his colleague Donald Park managed to slide into the Small Business Administration’s systems with shocking ease. Within just five hours, they were granted admin access to core financial and loan systems - a process that typically takes weeks, if not months.

The Sensitive Data Goldmine

These young operatives didn’t just get basic access. They were handed the digital keys to the National Finance Center, a system handling payroll for over 650,000 government employees, including sensitive agencies like the FBI and Department of Homeland Security. We’re talking social security numbers, banking info, and personal addresses - the holy grail of potential digital espionage.

The Bigger Picture

Experts are raising serious red flags about the lack of proper background checks and security protocols. Don Moynihan, a public policy professor, bluntly stated that these DOGE operatives likely bypassed standard screening processes - a terrifying thought for anyone who cares about government data security.

While the exact intentions remain murky, previous reporting suggests these data grabs might be connected to the Trump administration’s immigration enforcement strategies. One thing’s certain: in the wild west of government tech, the inmates are definitely running the asylum.