In a move that sounds more like a fever dream than actual policy, former President Donald Trump has decided to resurrect Alcatraz , yes, that Alcatraz , as his ultimate solution to criminal justice. Apparently, the idea of repurposing a historic landmark into a maximum-security playground is totally normal in Trump’s world.

The Rock’s Resurrection

Trump’s grand plan involves reopening the legendary island prison that’s been shuttered since 1963, promising to house “America’s most ruthless and violent Offenders”. Because nothing says “law and order” like bringing back a prison that’s been a tourist attraction for decades and would cost astronomical amounts to renovate.

A Nostalgic Nightmare

The former president seems to be channeling some serious retro vibes, romanticizing an era when throwing people into an island prison was considered progressive. Never mind that modern corrections facilities already exist, or that Alcatraz would require massive infrastructure investments just to make it remotely habitable.

Political Posturing or Pure Fantasy?

Let’s be real: this proposal is about as practical as using a chocolate teapot. Nancy Pelosi herself called it out as pure political theatrics, pointing out that Alcatraz is now a beloved national park. The Bureau of Prisons diplomatically stated they’d “comply with Presidential Orders” , translation: this isn’t happening, folks.

In true Trump fashion, the proposal seems more about creating headlines than actually solving systemic issues in criminal justice. But hey, at least it gives us something to laugh about while sipping our artisanal Bay Area coffee.